4 E & 4 A
June 02, 2004 [8:14 p.m.]
Have you ever been like so confused, that everything seems perfect, but deep down it's not? Well that's how I am right now.
Me and Thomas have this thing that we've did like 3 times already, it's where we break up and like two hours later, get back together. Well that's what we did today. Today was 3 months by the way! And we went to the movies and watched Troy (made out) then went to Old Navy and then just parked and talked. The forbidden- hated subject came up about his parents. I mean, not saying I hate his parents- I don't- at all. But they seem to very much dislike me. What they're saying does have some truth in it, and I've known this and so has Thomas- but we both kinda chose to hold off on actually thinking about it.
Well today it all came out (again). He said that he didn't want a marriage where we believed different things. He wanted his wife to go to the same church- believe the same things and do the same things. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, because I totally agree. But our religions are different and he said he was very stubborn and believe what he was believed was right. So- we began talking- things were said.. tears were shed. And we broke up.
I sat there for like 5 minutes and didn't say a word. Just sat there. He kept asking me to say something- but I didn't trust myself enough to speak. So I just sat there.
He had to leave cause he was late and we hugged and kissed and he said he loved me and he was sorry. I felt like the lowest thing in the world. Not only was I letting the guy of my dreams- my everything leave, I wasn't even saying anything to try to stop him. I knew I'd regret it very much if I just let him go, but I couldn't talk. I kept mumbling things and he'd ask "What?" and I'd say, "Nothing" I just didn't know how to speak at the time.
Well he walked off, and I bowed my head on me steering wheel and cried. Bawled my eyes out, and I couldn't let him go. I drove over to where his car was and he was just about to pull out and I stopped my car in the middle of the road, got out, and went over there to his door. He opened it, and I hugged him and just started crying on his shoulder. Just stood there for a few minutes- totally ignoring the fact that my car was parked in the middle of the road and we were standing in the middle of the road hugging and crying. I couldn't let him go.
We both started crying. He cried on my shoulder and I cried on his. I told him I was sorry and he said there was nothing to be sorry about, and then he walked me to my car and he started crying. And we hugged and I left.
It was terrible. Riding home, I don't even know how I made it, I just did- by God I guess. I do remember that our song came on "Forever and for Always" they never play this song any more, and they just had to play it then. Perfect.
When I got home, thank God, nobody was around. But I did say hey to my mom and Jeremy and went to my room. I didn't feel like talking. So I laid down and held his boxers and sweatshirt and cried and fell asleep.
Brittany called twice and I ignored it, she's my best friend and she'd immediately know something was wrong and I'd have to explain it and I don't think I was able to.
I felt like screaming- I felt like something inside of me was telling me to do something, scream- cry- bawl, anything but I couldn't! I felt empty. I needed to talk to Thomas, but I was afraid to call. He had told me to call any time that night or any other time, but I couldn't.
But he called me. I was so happy to see "TC- 4E & 4A" flash on my cell. I answered and that's when it happened. We talked. Again, he did alot of the talking and I was like thinking, "I can't blow this" I had to say something. So I did.. I said, "Thomas, it's so hard, because for so long you have been my everything to me. You were everything to me. And now it's like it's not there.. and I don't have anything" I was crying and I don't think it helped any- and he started crying.
Again the necessary facts were pointed out about our religions, and I said I knew. He kept apologizing and asking me what I thought we should do. I said I didn't know. And again- silence. Then I asked him what I should do.. and I began another "Speech".. I told him that I didn't know what to do now, because I felt empty. He asked me to let it all out and tell him how I felt.. And I was like, "I feel like crap. I've ignored two of Brits phone calls because I know she'll know somethings wrong.. I haven't went downstairs because I'm afraid my family will know somethings wrong, and I just feel like I have nowhere to go, nothing. I feel like.. nothing"
I didn't plan all this to put a guilt trip on him- at all. I love him more than anything, and I just had to tell him. He was glad I told him though. Then he started crying and he told me he loved me and that he didn't know what was going on. He told me he had had no intentions of even bringing that subject up today, but that it just happened.
Then he asked me if I thought we could keep on working at it, and still be together, instead of broken up. I actually felt something lift and I felt- relieved. Right when he said that. He told me he just couldn't let it go. I said Yes. And he goes, "Beth if I didn't think something good was going to happen out of this, I would've never started in the first place, but I believe we can make this work." and I said Yes. And he goes, "So will you go back out with me?" and I said.. Yes. We agreed that we were never broken up, and that we were just talking.
You know what? We may be stupid, just keep on breaking up and going back out. But all I know, is that I'm never as happy as I am when I'm with him. I love him and I just can't let it go. I just hope he doesn't call me tonight and say he made a mistake. I can't let him go.
Please pray for us.